I have a 3 year old son. And anyone who has children can probably tell you what the magic words are…
Please and Thank You.
In this particular situation however, we have a couple different magic words…
Help and Listen.
Mostly they will be uttered by the male of the species, during the aforementioned “Couch Time.”
(See earlier posts to get caught up).
When we last left off, the couple was having a lovely constructive release of the day’s pressures at a predetermined time at a predetermined location.
A quiet SAFE space to vent and discuss.
We have laid the baseline, as per John Gray’s template from “Men Are From Mars, Women From Venus,” in which the female goes first and releases all the junk she has been holding throughout the day.
And the man just LISTENS. Which is probably quite difficult for him, as he wants desperately to help his partner.
But that would be a mistake… WITHOUT the magic words.
You see, during the wife (or female partner’s) release, the Hubs (or male partner) will see an opening where he feels now would be a good time to get in there and FIX the problem.
At which point in my coaching I would take the rolled up newspaper to his temple and say “No!”
“Bad Husband, Bad.”
Because that would not only unravel all the good emotional release work that she has been doing for the last 15 minutes, it could very well turn it to anger at him.
Don’t worry fellas. There’s actually a very easy way out of this predicament.
The million dollar question to ask at this point is…
“Would you like me to HELP or to just LISTEN?”
She will tell you either to please just listen, at which point you simply say “Go on, my dearest, Darling Pookie Pie Schmooochiekins.” (Or whatever cutesy nicknames you lovebirds have for each other).
OR she has just given you PERMISSION to help her with your opinion, ideas, constructive criticism, or something else.
Without permission, your “help” may come across as condescending and patronizing. Regardless of how well-intentioned it might be.
THIS is where the term “Mansplaining” gets its fuel.
So, the next time you are in a convo (on the couch or not) where you feel compelled to tell your lovely wife, or any woman for that matter, your opinion or how you feel they should do something, remember the MAGIC WORDS.
And get PERMISSION.
And your life will be a whole lot smoother, my friend.
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